Me and Me

 　　The long wait made me increasingly anxious. I felt like a hostage, powerless to resist. I wanted to just fall asleep and forget everything, but it wouldn't let me.

　　A torrent of blame poured out, and suddenly I felt wronged, so wronged. At that moment, I desperately wanted to leave, to escape this place that made me so sad. Tears streamed down my face, down my cheeks, my ears, my pillow… When I cried, he would quiet down, come and hug me, stroke me… but I would angrily pull his hand away. Deep down, I wanted a hug, but I couldn't say it. I didn't know what was controlling my words and actions. I knew this wasn't what I truly wanted, but I was powerless.

　　From his initial confident questioning to his later "Why?", I couldn't answer. Why? Honestly, I didn't know. It was like amnesia; I only knew it happened, but I didn't know why.

　　For him and me, for love, for marriage, for work, and for the world, every day I start with the idea that everything is still beautiful, then my attitude changes, and everything becomes so hateful, so painful, nothing beautiful anymore.

　　I'm starting to feel like there are two different selves, me and me. But no matter which one comes out, I'm powerless, pessimistic and optimistic. I'm not strong enough, I can't control myself. I've been trying, but I've never succeeded. I can't tell everyone; they'd think I'm crazy. I don't know where that inner self has gone. The words in my heart are always different from what I say. I'm so distressed; I feel like I'm seriously ill.

　　I want a hug, a word of comfort, a heart, a sense of security. But where are all these? I keep telling myself that only I can give myself everything I want. I really think I should be a quiet, kind girl, but I haven't been.

　　I should be clear-headed now, at least as I write this, because these words are not against my conscience.

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